# 25th February, 1991 — Monday
Paul: I will simply say that I am feeling up against it, and very uncomfortable, and I need to hear whatever you have to say.
Raj: I am glad to have the opportunity to speak with you, Paul. And it would be well, it would be most appropriate, if we could talk daily, as I have said before.
By virtue of ‘winging it’, so to speak, you encounter unnecessary turbulence, because you get off the Homing beacon, and at this point it is very easy to get off the Homing beacon because staying on the Homing beacon takes much more conscious intent. The reason being, that if you are indeed yielding to the Homing beacon, you are relinquishing the options to be off track, and therefore, you are depriving the ego sense of self of an opportunity to seem to substantiate its existence by not bringing it into play. And so, the ego sense is gasping for breath, gasping for that which will substantiate it.
Again, because it has been your primary sense of identity, it feels like a significant loss, even though when you manage to abandon that vantage point, you experience not only the Peace of your Being, but the experience of your Integrity and a greatly enhanced experience of your Wholeness, and therefore your stability and invulnerability. But that is easily lost, because the sense of Identity, being so familiar, feels more valid, and its perpetuation, therefore, seems paramount.
The Homing beacon does not provide you with a view of your destination. It is an intangible experience of alrightness. The territory you can see at the moment is constituted of ego definitions, concepts and acquired conclusions. And because they are what you can see, and because the Homing beacon is something you cannot see, the Homing beacon seems less meaningful.
So, you see, the elements here involve that which you can see, which is by definition illusory — and I mean by that, because it is constituted of definitions — and the intangible but meaningful experience of the Homing beacon.
A choice must be made, which necessarily means giving up the freedom to randomly access the territory of definitions, the loss of freedom to be moving without relevance to Home, without relevance to Reality, without relevance to your Sanity. There are no two ways about it, it does indeed feel like the loss of freedom! But in the final analysis the freedom to move in the territory of illusions constitutes bondage, because it renders you unconscious of Who You Are, and unconscious of Reality, unconscious of the Kingdom of Heaven as It really is — the Place You Are, as It really is.
It is a difficult thing to have to abandon everything you believe. And, indeed, you must understand that even though everything you have believed has brought you to the point of giving permission to Listen, of giving yourself permission to desire to Know, it has been nothing more than a stepping-stone, and you cannot afford to value the stepping-stone so completely that you do not use it for its purpose and try to make your home there.
It does not matter that you were not told that what you believed wasn’t ultimate. It only matters that you don’t get hung up on it. The stepping-stone, in order to fulfill its purpose, must crumble, else you will attempt to coerce it into a function that it doesn’t have. If you wish to remain on it and occupy it and make it your residence, it must necessarily begin to crumble, because it cannot become what it is not.
You are beginning to look back because your forward movement is taking you over the horizon into new territory, into new perspective, which means that the old perspective will disappear behind you, out of sight, unavailable to you any longer. Because what you are moving away from is familiar, it is not easy to let go of when you arrive at that point of the horizon where what is behind you disappears from sight. I am aware of your uneasiness and discomfort and fear.
I will tell you something: It was not nearly as hard to move away from Home, because your movement away arose out of an innate sense of your Wholeness, and of your invulnerability, and of your Integrity, and so every step was made with confidence. And yet, if there were going to be fear and reluctance, that is where it should have been felt, even though that is not where it could have been felt.
Therefore, I tell you this for perspective: Fear of loss of ignorance does not make sense. Anger at having to let go of unique and peculiar mental aberrations is ridiculous. Pet theories, favorite truths and beloved concepts do not constitute being Consciously aware, Awake. And, you see, as you let go of them, you let go of that which is embracing them — which is not You, but is a sense of yourself that absolutely blinds you to Who You divinely Are. And that is how illusion and delusion vanishes.
Now, again, this means that a devotion to the Homing beacon is absolutely essential. It does, indeed, mean withdrawing your attention from the fallacious sense of freedom, and the unique sense of self which arises out of the idea that accessing that freedom is what existence is about.
Paul, you are truly going to have to be ready to exist in the Kingdom of Heaven Consciously rather than unconsciously. What you are moving out of is the unconscious living of your divinity in the middle of the Kingdom of Heaven, so that you may consciously experience your divinity and the fact that you are in the Kingdom of Heaven. In that clarity, in that Sanity, you will be most original. I do not mean that in any way the ego can get hold of, because the originality will be uncalculated, unpremeditated, and the ego only calculates and premeditates. So, this originality and freshness will constitute the nonexistence of the ego, and therefore the nonexistence of your past and currently weakening sense of self. Can you dare to let it die so that You, in your Totality, may be wholly available to you, which is your Birthright?
Now, how do you stay on the Homing beacon? What is the Homing beacon? I will tell you: The Homing beacon is what appears to be a line of communication between you and me, but which, in actuality, is communion.
If you are blind, it is wise to let yourself be led. Especially if you are being led into the full conscious experience of Vision. “But”, you say, “I have learned to cope quite well with my blindness, my ignorance. In fact, I am quite excellent at it, and I am quite pleased with myself about it. And I have, in spite of my infirmity, been able to leave behind a sense of inadequacy and now feel quite adequate, quite pleased with myself and proud. Now you want to take this away from me for an experience of fulfillment that I’m not responsible for? That I will never be able to feel the kind of satisfaction and pleasure that I have been able to achieve by virtue of my intelligence to function meticulously well, almost as though I weren’t blind, almost as well as someone who can see?”.
But you see, Paul, it is a hollow victory, because even if you could function as completely well as someone who can see, you can’t see! You are still blind. That is what this part of you, which has excelled in spite of an infirmity, finds unacceptable and intolerable, because everything which it has striven for, and the satisfaction that has come from the strife, and the sense of worth that has come from it, must be abandoned, and it must be abandoned for something that can never be taken credit for, can never provide that stimulating sense of authorship.
Having a Birthright and experiencing It cannot possibly provide any approximation of what one experiences who has no birthright and apparently achieves great heights. But the achievement of great heights, and the profound sense of self-worth that it provides, doesn’t embody Worth.
You see, you cannot exist, and never have existed without a Birthright. You never have been less than Who You really Are. The claim, and subsequently the belief, that you have no Birthright, and then everything built upon that belief, has constituted Self-denial — a most unhealthy and insane activity. No matter what degree of excellence you have achieved, it has been an act of denial of preexisting Excellence. Therefore, whatever the sense of excellence is, it is false. This is hard to look at, but if you are not willing to look at it, you will not find the motivation to yield into your preexisting Excellence.
The ego says, “But, you must still function within the definitions” — which it has established. But the Kingdom of Heaven which you are really in does not require you to do that. As I have said before, the definitions constitute an “alternate perception” — not an alternate world, not an alternate place, but an alternate perception. Home doesn’t require you to be unconscious of what It is. The ego does. The definitions do.
If you insist upon seeing yourself as a three-dimensional entity speaking with me, a Fourth-dimensional Individuality, then you will have yourself misplaced. And as you are finding, as we speak and I bluntly tell you the truth, you seem to find yourself sitting between me and your sidekick — the private, ego sense of self, the giver of definitions — and you feel like you are the rope in a tug-of-war. That is exactly why I have pointed out to you the necessity of staying in touch with me and being aware that the fact that the apparent[1] communication is occurring, demonstrates the fact that you are Here with me, that you are Fourth-dimensional Individuality, also, and not a three-dimensional entity in the middle of a third-dimension being the relayer of Truth, as it were.
Grasping the meaning of Truth does not improve your ability to define your world well. It does not improve your ability to control your process of defining so as to create a better and better definition which is more and more pleasing and less and less threatening to the ego. It constitutes your coming into a real conscious experience of your Self as the Conscious experience of Being, instead of as a human being — as the Son of God instead of the son of man. It constitutes the removal of the insanity, and everything that seemed real within that conceptual framework — constituted entirely of definitions, gathered from a sense of having no Birthright, a sense of being a bastard, a sense of having no source other than the activity of thinking, the activity of being a thinker.
And so, again I will reiterate, stay in touch with me, with the acknowledgment of the fact that being in touch with me demonstrates, no matter in how limited a way, the fact that you are present Here with me, and that you are like me, and that the experience of being You in your right Mind is what is natural to You. This will constitute your connection with the Homing beacon, which will move you experientially — not intellectually or conceptually — into your Conscious embrace of me and of You and of the Kingdom of Heaven, of Reality.
Don’t hold on so tightly to your tininess! Don’t try to stay in the middle of what you can explain. Don’t try to make your greater capacity to be aware divinely conform to your already-existing definitions. Abandon the ‘security’ of your creations. I mean by that, your confidences in the definitions you have come to about what everything is. You must let them become meaningless, because that is the way in which you release the definitions which obscure your direct experience of Reality, the presence of God, the presence of You.
Indeed, I know full well and good that that constitutes a great and fearful experience of vulnerability, instability, insecurity. You must remember that I have done it also, and I know whereof I speak.
You are getting a glimmer of the fact that those things which define your security, stability and comfort are illusions which, by virtue of your faith in them, constitute an opaqueness that blinds you to your infinite freedom, causing you therefore to be in a state of denial of God, Reality and of your Self. I will tell you something: Even if you didn’t accomplish a single thing three-dimensionally, if you stayed in constant and continuous conversation with me, you would awaken out of the illusion that there would be a penalty, a cost, a disaster from not abiding by the structural definitions of ‘proper behaviour’.
Yes, there are a myriad of even unconscious concepts of what your role or place might be ‘in the world’, and a devotion to all of your definitions of others — how you see them and what you perceive their needs to be — and the way in which you interpret and define what you hear them saying. But, you know what, Paul? Every single Individuality whom you perceive through the sieve of your definitions, is right Here in the Kingdom of Heaven with us, You and me. And you cannot afford to abide by your current definitions or perceptions of them, as though they constituted justification for your continuing to perceive yourself as there, in the three-dimensional frame of reference.
I am as aware as you are that your ego is arguing all of this. But it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are engaged in communion, and you are therefore on the Homing beacon. I want you to remember that, so that you will not validate the arguments which are going on, as though they constituted, really, a valid activity to engage with. The only valid activity is being on the Homing beacon, because you cannot be on the Homing beacon and stand still. When you are on the Homing beacon, you are moving toward Home, and, from my standpoint, that movement appears as You regaining Consciousness. So, understand that this movement is not a movement through space, but a movement of increasing conscious awareness, just as waking up in the morning is a movement of increasing conscious awareness.
As the ego argues, by means of challenging questions, realise that to engage in trying to find answers to those challenging questions constitutes nothing more than a distraction from being on the Homing beacon; that, in effect, the ego is being a kibitzer, and its motives — if, indeed, it could have real motives — do not involve your actually becoming clear.
[I took a break and listened to the recording of the conversation thus far.]
Paul: I have just listened to what you had to say. After you said it, and then, when I relistened to it, there was, for me, and still is, a feeling of what I can only describe as ‘tired sadness’. It’s just sort of the atmosphere in which I find myself. And I guess I’m wondering what it is. Of course, I’m interested in whatever you have to say, because I do intend to persist in this.
Raj: It is just a very mild rebellion. Not an out-and-out rejection, but a loving backward glance at all that was familiar. An emotional draw to the familiar when you know you are leaving it behind. It is what is called longing. And it is very different from the remembering of Home and the desire felt for It, because that remembering is inspiring and invigorating, and the desire is unquestionable. It is a desire for That toward which you are moving because you are desiring It. And longing is a rather futile attachment to that which you are not moving toward — that from which you are moving away.
So, it is, of course, your ego which is engaging in the longing, and it is That of your Being which you are allowing yourself to connect with Which is responsible for the desire for Home. The former is an exercise in futility. The latter is fulfillment unfolding. And so, again, we are talking about a choice — not a choice between better and worse illusions, but a choice between illusion and Reality, insanity and Sanity, frustration and fulfillment, sadness and Joy.
Because it is ultimately a choice for Reality and the releasing of illusion, it is moving out of the realm of choice — the interesting and provocative realm of options. Apparently a great loss! But don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself. The realm of choice is the realm of ignorance and suffering, even though it seems to be the promise of fulfillment and joy.
As you continue to make the choice for communion, you will find the sadness fade. Put another way, you will simply find it not occurring in the context or arena of communion. I am not feeling it, nor am I experiencing it, and therefore it is not part of the communion. And although you may not be feeling the joy of communion, I will tell you that the sadness is not occurring in it. And so, neither one of us is experiencing it. The only one who seems to be experiencing it is this fantastic sidekick.
It is important to know that you are not going through a period of adjustment, because you are not the one giving up anything. You never were the fantasy sidekick. You never were three-dimensional. And so, you are sacrificing absolutely nothing. If you will embrace that as the possibility, you will find that you will not fight for time to adjust. You will not think that it is unavoidably necessary because you are right Here with me, and it is only in the imagination that you seem to be somewhere else.
You see, the ego wants time to adjust in the hope that it will be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But it cannot, because its existence is predicated upon a fundamental belief of being different from the Father and of existing in its creation, rather than being the inseparable Conscious experience of the Movement of Creation. It is completely incompatible, incongruent with Reality, and with Identity — the Conscious Identity of true Individuality.
All you have to do is give permission. And all you need to do to give permission, is to have a little curiosity. Be willing to be a little bit of an explorer. Be willing to take those additional steps which will cause the old familiarities to slip beyond the horizon, out of sight, and thus release you to pay attention to Where You Are.
Now, you are going to have to sacrifice your definitions, and the data which they provided you of a sense of movement and growth, and of becoming more, for the movement that occurs without your authorisation when you have your mind stayed on me — when you insist upon being in communion. It is as though when you relinquish the position of thinker and definer of things, you weigh anchor, thus allowing for movement, and then find yourself caught in the tractor-beam of the Will of the Father, Which moves you unerringly into harmony with It. This causes you to experience the Integrity of You which is constituted of the Will of the Father, which opens your eyes, and you say, “I have woken up. What a dream I had”.
Now you are indulging in thinking. It is a thought that this communion is going to turn into a marathon. It is a thought that says you will not be accomplishing anything. It is a thought that says this will be boring. This is part of looking back to that which is familiar. And what is familiar is ‘accomplishing’ and ‘becoming’, having some ‘hands-on experience’ where there is some physical demonstration of accomplishment which proves control or authorship.
I told you, you will not sit in Silence for long. You will not abide in the Peace without experiencing a need. The ego interprets the need as a call for expressing authority. But truly, the need is not to be alone. Why? Because Being is a unity. And when you are in the Peace of your Being, that which is integral to It emerges Consciously. And so you will apparently gravitate toward the fuller experience of communion, community.
As I said, we are all Here, including You. And we are all Here in communion/community, Conscious unity, Conscious union. So, if you truly wish to wake up, do not indulge in getting your hands on anything and getting something done. Abide in this space which is intolerable to the ego, so that regaining Consciousness can occur, so that Awakening can occur.
The ego suggests that this could go on forever, interminably. And, according to definition, nothing will get done, and everything will go to pot. But, I will tell you something: We have been, and will always be, together. Our communion will be interminable, because that’s Reality. And so, I would encourage you to embrace it as a truth, rather than a problem to be endured. If we are together and it is part of your Birthright to be infinitely Conscious without barriers of any kind, then succumb to this interminable, eternal, Conscious experience of Reality.
Now, you notice that the sadness is not present. There is not a wonderful, inspiring, uplifting presence of Joy, but the sadness, the ‘tired sadness’, as you put it, is not present, and there is an experience of inner evenness which has, perhaps, just a tinge of heaviness to it. That is because you are in communion, on the Homing beacon.
The shaft of light which penetrates the darkness does not explain the darkness, does not illuminate and render understandable the darkness. All it does is speak of the Source of the light, and it uncovers the absence of darkness. So, when you are in communion, you are experiencing the Source of the light, which draws you toward the light, and renders the imagined significance of the darkness null and void.
I encourage you, indeed, to remain in communion with me, and I encourage you to stop assuming that being in communion with me is going to make your illusion more understandable, that it is going to make your definitions more meaningful, or at least help you to raise them to a greater and more perfected form of meaningfulness, by definition. And, yes, do it forever! If you will make the commitment to do it forever, it will bring your full willingness into play in the Now, and then your Now will be illuminated. The whole point is to see It as It is, to experience You as You Are, to experience Yourself Where You really Are.
Can Sanity really be so much worse than insanity? Can clarity be so much more horrible than ignorance? Why else would it seem that you would have to endure it? Why would such a wonderful thing be interpreted as interminable? Interminable is a negative way of referring to Eternity, and yet it’s very easy for such words as ‘eternal life’ to flow from your lips as that which is desirable. What about ‘eternal Consciousness’? What is so horrible about that? What is so horrible about it is that you will have to sacrifice the sense of private, personal authority. It involves the vacating of a position of ‘authoriser’. And it moves you into the apparently insulting state of being nothing more than pure Awareness — the Conscious experience of Being, the uninterrupted Conscious experience of the Kingdom of Heaven.
Oh, the ego wants another fix of the exercise of control! Why do you not have the same fear as the King of Siam in The King and I when he said, “Might they not [control][2] me out of everything I own?”. Might not the exercise of control do you out of everything You Are as a Conscious experience? Why do you have to be in control? Your Worth isn’t connected with it, although your sense of worth is. Your Value isn’t connected with it, although your sense of value is. But, again, the ego, this sidekick, is a sense of identity, and not Identity, Itself.
I am pleased that you are hanging in here with me, and that you have not gotten up and insisted upon doing something else to get relief from Reality. It is your Birthright to experience your unity with all of the Brotherhood. It is your Birthright not to be ignorant or unconscious of It. And it is your Birthright to experience it interminably, uninterruptedly.
Blindness or ignorance is not so great.
I will tell you something: It is not a matter of honour to stand up to the Big Boys, to claim a sense of worth by challenging them, by attempting to be equal to them without being one of them. You see, the fundamental conflict there? The fundamental inconsistency?
In terms of what is unfolding in your world at this time, Saddam Hussein’s attempt to stand up to the Western World does not give him greater credibility or honour, because as long as he insists upon standing up against them, he cannot possibly be one of them. And so it is an exercise in futility.
Being an ego is the attempt to be equal while being unequal, and not allowing for being equal because it will seem to constitute a sacrifice of any ability to claim self-worth, and self-respect, by definition. You see, You are real. You are valid. You are valuable, because you Are one of the Big Boys. You Are one of the Brotherhood. You are the direct expression of God, and nothing else. You already Are That. And therefore, you need do nothing to create it or achieve it!
Now, you may take a break, but do not leave the Homing beacon.